as i lay here in bed…it’s early. i can hear the wind and it's raining outside. this is my favourite time of the day...any day...hands down. i love bed. in fact, mom tells me i was sleeping pretty much straight through the night at two months. things haven't changed much. you know what else is a favourite? the memo feature of my blackberry. okay, enough of this and onto the real reason for this entry.

i'm starting to think that if it wasn't for the consistency of my period AND this journey-of-a-relationship-with God, i could easily go through this life without feeling a thing. i think it's taken me twenty-seven and a half years to accept that feeling things isn't such a bad thing. i'm surprisingly not as intimidated by it as i thought. i look back on these years and realise i have pretty much sailed through life without having to emit much emotion. i am a guarded person. i am cautious. which isn't necessarily a bad thing. however, it was a switch that always seemed to find itself in the off position. i thought being vulnerable and emotional was a fault, not a normal part of the human experience. i'm recognising that this was a choice and it was based on a lie. recently, i flew past all that. i flew so far that i found myself on the other side of the spectrum and then started wondering what i was doing there. i'm visual – so this spectrum-picture-business makes sense. as i look back, i'm not regretful. i was at the time because i was angry. a friend told me, not all experiences are bad, hayley. i believe her. i know now what my spectrum looks like. my prayer, with His grace, love and forgiveness, is that i land somewhere in the middle next time.

i've started my search for a new church, now that i've moved. i found myself at another vineyard this past sunday. quelle surprise. the pastor spoke of galatians five. in this passage, paul is talking about the freedom of Christ he wants all of us to experience, and how it is only through Salvation which can provide us this freedom, as opposed to the religious law they were instructed to keep. i love when God uses people and His word as opportunities to speak truth into our lives. it can be such a party of two between you and God, and it's pretty awesome. God is just so happy once we’ve finally arrived, when we say, more of You and less of me. more i say! more!

i suppose this means i should get out of bed now and go do some grown-up things...like make coffee. i can't believe how i am liking the black coffee these days. so grown up. yeah, right. far from it. very far. and, don't worry...i've had enough contemplative and introspective entries to last me a very, very long time. even i'm getting sick of myself. somebody push the play button. this girl needs to play.