grown ocean.

yesterday, the american and i cooked an easter sunday afternoon feast for our good friends after church. it was delicious.

later that evening i went to beachy head to walk the pebbles. it's one of my favourite places to visit. i like going at dusk. there was no sunset - overcast skies. it's always lovely and i love the sea salt air.

i've been fortunate to have a very, long weekend this weekend. four-day holiday. i'm currently still in bed, propped up with my pillows and blankets, drinking coffee and listening to florence and the machine. there's a slew of bank holidays coming up. there's the may bank holiday, and in june, the spring bank holiday is lumped together with the queen's diamond jubilee. this is to celebrate the queen reigning for sixty years. 

i was thinking the other day how i sometimes forget i live here, in england. how i sometimes take it for granted. i told God recently that He continues to bless me with this little island, known as england. this is His gift to me. He provided me with a community of people who i find comfort, rest and pleasure in. this job is a gift. everything here is a gift. i want to view all things as gifts - no matter how lovely or how frustrating these gifts take shape. i want to do these gifts justice. i want to demonstrate good stewardship. i want to keep perspective, sensitivity.. an awareness that i am an instrument in His orchestra. and this instrument i play brings a smile, it brings pleasure to Him. i want to keep this focus. i want us to keep this focus. 

i want more to be revealed in the coming months. 

just as the sand made everything round.

probably shouldn't blog when i'm premenses.

what i originally wrote was emotional. but, it was a good emotional. it's only taken me twenty-nine years to realise that emotional is not the enemy. the man i end up with will be strong and secure enough to let me ride that out. and, i will love him for that.

so instead, i will keep things safe and pretty and just show you all some pictures i took the other night of lewes priory. i've been living in this town for almost a year now, and i've never paid these ruins a visit.

i went at the end of the day - around six and seven in the evening. the sun was low in the sky and warmed those stoned walls. it was really, really pretty.

i get to live here.

climb, is all we know.

i'll admit, i'm still trying to figure this one out...

"I think a huge problem we have is that many people, especially Christians, have confused normal biological sexual attraction with lust/sin. God created you to desire another person for affection, intimacy, and attraction! Being attracted to someone is NOT lust. Lust is the dehumanizing of another person in your own heart. It is a ritual taking, obsessing, and using someone else for your own benefit rather than valuing that person as an equal image-bearer of God. Lust can certainly have a sexual component, but when we reduce it merely to sexual reactions, we miss out on God’s bigger heart for all people: infinite value. 


When Jesus said “if you even look at a woman with lust…” he wasn’t downplaying a physical sexual response, he was lifting up the value of women and men! Lust has nothing to do with modesty. Dressing modestly will NEVER remove lust from the heart of another person. Only Jesus can do that through the working of the Holy Spirit in each individual. You can’t change anyone and you’re only responsible for taking your own heart to Jesus for him to deal with. Talk to Jesus about your own lust, talk to a trusted mentor about how to distinguish practices of lust from good sexual attraction, and talk to other men and women about positive boundaries for living fully in Christ’s freedom!"

--lauren dubinsky

dear, you're so sincere.

this is the time of year where i don't quite know what to wear. i haven't switched over the winter wardrobe just yet and i haven't welcomed sandals either. the english certainly have. i've been seeing a lot of pale, white skin this past week. some of it's burnt too.

i'm not ready to blind someone just yet.

england's hitting fifteen plus degrees these days. it's been full sun for the past week and there's more sun still to come. i've been going down to the beach during my break. excited for summer now. 

oh, speaking of summer...exciting news! i'm off to the canary islands in july with my cousin and aunt. we're staying at a resort for a week. i've been wanting a beach holiday in europe for awhile now and i didn't want to go on my own. so, this is kinda embarassing - because i'm such a planner and i love anticipation...i created a pinboard on my pinterest in preparation for this trip. i'm so visual it's ridiculous.

what else is going on? courtday tomorrow. always a good time. work is great. busy, actually and i've been leaving the office later these days because of it. i'm convinced if i were to measure and transfer the amount of mental power i use in a day, i wouldn't need to exercise ever again. i love how work can be such an adrenaline rush at times. and, there's some exciting developments work-wise for me to get lost in and i'm excited.

my goodness, i didn't plan for this entry to be so update-laden. 

sorry 'bout that.

please accept this photo of a goat as an apology. i took it this past weekend.

spent some time, just thinking.

and we're back.

when i was getting ready for work this morning i thought, goodness...feels like i've been away from work for quite some time.

and that, folks...is a good thing.

so, for part of the week i was off, i went to visit the family. up north. haven't see them since before christmas. nana and i had some quality time together. we played a grand total of three games of scrabble together. she won two outta three rounds. we're not surprised.

we went to a market town i haven't been to before. we found some homemade guinness bread. we bought some homemade guinness bread. then we ate steak and ale pie at the pub for lunch. you know what i've discovered? as much as i want to like ale, i'm usually disappointed each time i have one. however, i haven't met a stout i didn't like, or a lager...but there's something not quite right about the ales.

we stumbled upon a church where nana humoured me by allowing me to wander and take some photos. she's good like that.

here's nana and grandad...back in the day.

the next day i went for a rural english countryside walk sans nana. she was getting her hair done.

she's like a little bird, she flies from a to b.

spring cleaning today, in more ways than one.

new hair colour too.

i've got this coming week off from work. apparently, i didn't take enough vacation time last year and if i don't take what's mine by the end of march, i'll lose it.

so, here we are.

been thinking about life and death recently. thinking about what sorts of things, people, places and situations which bring forth life, and what sorts of things, people, places and situations which bring death. and, things which are completely out of your control and bring death...it's time to cut them off. why continue to put yourself through something, hoping for change when really, it has nothing to do with you and is completely out of your grasp? 

started a new book this morning. the american gave it to me for my birthday. it's by mike bickle.

he will intervene with judgement when things stand in the way of the tender kiss of intimacy we can have with him. he won't allow the relationships he treasures to be disrupted.

holding onto that promise.

go ahead run.

had a thought today.

i've been feeling lately like i'm making up for years of not liking myself. 

to put it bluntly, i can honestly look in the mirror now and be okay with what's staring me back. i can take a picture and smile at it's contents. it's like i'm quietly saying to myself, there she is.

there's more peace. there's more calm. there's more confidence.

recently, i had a few things said to me. specific things. they grabbed my attention and it snapped me out of some lies. i am choosing to believe this was Him.

sometimes in real, dark and ugly moments, there are glimpses of light and reminders of truth. there is beauty. and, He shares with us exactly how He sees us. i don't want to lose His sight of me again.

like moses through the corn.

sometimes this thing isn't good for us.

sometimes this thing is better left until it becomes good for us.

sometimes this thing may never be good for us.

sometimes this thing is uncontrollable and sometimes there is nothing for you to do.

sometimes you can only go so far.

sometimes you know it's the end.

sometimes it's really not about you.

sometimes you will get to a place where you're okay with that.

any of the songs i wrote.. older than a year or two.

i dropped a raw brussel sprout in my wine glass earlier.

just thought you might like to know.

so...it was my birthday yesterday.

BIRTHDAY.

DAY I WAS BORN AND ALL THAT.

BIG DAY.

this marks birthday number three in england. i'm twenty-nine, boys and girls.

TWENTY-FREAKIN'-NINE.

goodness, we are old. i think this is the year where i've started saying, age is really just a number. yes, you know you're getting old when..

although, i still feel like i embody the maturity-level of a seventeen-year old. that's what this is really about.

but, whatever. let me share with you what i was up to. 'cuz i know you're just dying to know.

dinner with the girls was planned for tuesday night. i wore a red dress and heels because i wanted to and i never get to. i love dresses and whenever i buy them my heart sinks a bit because i know i've got no place to wear the darn things. but, i digress..

and here we are.

the american baked me a cake. a tier cake. a buttercream lime icing topped with blueberries cake. we ate it at the restaurant. it was delicious and who am i kidding - i'll eat the last slice tonight. thanks, cathy!

and this is what a work of art looks like.

so, you all need to know i've got a good thing going on here around me in this little part of england i find myself in. great community. great people. great men. great women. to know and experience such warmth, such kindness, such approval, such...joy. sigh, it is as unique as it is comforting. i am so very blessed and i am so thankful and so appreciative.

yes, i just went all-rod-stewart-on-you, but it's true.

and, i decided to take the actual birthday-date off from work. this was a very good thing as the american and i planned to have gluten-free banana-chocolate-chip pancakes with canadian maple syrup for brunch at my little flat and then go for a walk on the downs.

i am so predictable.

even in my old age.

we walked from one town to another and rested by an open fire with pints of local lager.

it was just..

perfect.

and here we have a very happy, birthday girl.

and here we have a very happy, american.

what a bunch of goofballs.




now if you'll excuse me, i have a bedroom to re-arrange.

on the shore, speak to the ocean and receive silence

i am ready to be done with this. and so i will be done with this.

let it die.

let it go.

i do believe this will change.

emotion-led or spirit-led. which will it be?

i am called to more. i am called to righteousness.

we are called to more. we are called to righteousness.

he will fulfill the more. he will fulfill the righteousness.

this is my permission.

i am ready to be done with this. and so i'm done.

see the colours of another sky.

you are all so incredibly patient.

i got back from ireland earlier last week.

i spent six days between dublin and belfast. i took a train from london euston station to wales, a ferry across the irish sea to dublin and finally a train to belfast. that was a whole day of travel. it was ridiculously cheap to do it this way...but you sort of lose a day. depends how you look at it. when i purchased my ticket the sales person told me it would be a long day. i told him this will be an adventure in of itself.

i was in belfast for two and half days and then in dublin for another two and half days. flew home from dublin.

while in belfast i took a train to carrickfergus. turns out i've got a bit of irish in me. there's a great, great, great, great, great grandfather of mine on my mom's side that emigrated from this town to albany, new york with his nine children in 1775. there's a castle in carrickfergus and you know i'm always up for a castle.

traveling is an interesting thing. when you're alone, you call the shots. there's no one else to consider or accommodate. i woke up early each morning and was out the door by eight am. i walked everywhere. i walked six plus miles a day. i've noticed more tone in my legs now. ha. i came back to my hotel room after seven in the evening exhausted each night, yet completely satisfied with the amount of sites i saw. i slept very well. the hotel room in dublin was such a blessing. the bed was ridiculously comfortable. never have i slept in such a comfortable bed before. i wish i had a euro for every, 'oh, this bed' i moaned over the course of those two nights. the hotel was more money, but worth it. i cranked the heat every night. i watched television in bed. i drank beer in bed. it doesn't take much to make me happy.

the downside of traveling solo is there's no one to share the experience with. i am very much aware of this.

the irish accent was an adjustment. it was stronger in some people than others. every person i encountered was warm and friendly. dublin is expensive. more touristy. it's a bigger city than belfast. more sights to see. however, i preferred belfast, even though i felt more safe in dublin. when and if i go back, maybe i'll take half pint and tour more of the rural parts. i know there's a lot more to see and experience in ireland and northern ireland than just dublin and belfast.

i backpacked this trip. i packed too many socks. lesson learned. i liked having less and the idea that everything i owned was strapped on my back. backpacks are liberating.

so, what's next you ask? paris in march. i'm going with the american.

oh boy.

i follow psychology today on twitter. there's some interesting articles. today was one of them.

Cheap Shots at Your Partner Are Emotionally Expensive: many people don't realize the impact of belittling their partner.

and this is what i was thinking...

'Oops, I'm sorry, I never meant to say something that would hurt your feelings; it will never happen again'

yes, you did mean to say something to hurt their feelings - you were upset and you took it out on them. 

'it will never happen again'

are you serious?

'Oops, I'm sorry'

that's the best you can do?

i don't like the advice of this article. the author doesn't take it far enough. he doesn't hold the person accountable enough. it reminds me of abusive relationships and power and control tactics that leads to a 'honeymoon phase' after the damage is done.

'it will never happen again' is reflective of promise-making and a pathetic attempt at trying to re-gain trust in someone again. this is not realistic in relationships. a better approach would be to acknowledge your screw up and apologise for hurting their feelings and creating some distance out of respect for the other person. asking for your partner to forgive you is a better way forward AND you should then be demonstrating an honest effort to check yourself and your decisions (words/behaviour) in the future. perhaps counseling should be considered. perhaps you have some work to do. being in a relationship isn't just about you. it's also about the other person. you have a responsibility towards them. that's what being in a relationship is about. 

i know apology advice was referenced in the concluding paragraph, er, sentence...but it could have been better elaborated. 

the concept of forgiveness is huge in relationships and it bothers me that this doctor, this psychotherapist, this radio talk show host just didn't go far enough, considering he's got an audience.

what lies beneath this rant is the fact that courtday was yesterday and i'm usually disheartened afterwards. sad about the fact of how broken we are. how lost we are. how misguided we are. but that's a whole other blog post which i won't expose you to.

have a great weekend, everyone. i do mean that.

the go getter.

i'm eating chokablock. it's ice cream. it's english? i've almost finished it. it's chocolate. sugar rush. i decided to skip dinner. and just eat ice cream. this doesn't happen very often. i'm usually quite good. lesson - don't go food shopping in the late evening after you've walked the dog for an hour in the dark. lesson - don't go food shopping on an empty stomach. lesson - don't go food shopping during menses.

what else is there to talk about? i'm going to ireland next month. belfast and dublin. i decided to start with the furthest western bit of europe. last year was about getting settled. getting established. setting up camp. getting familiar.

this year is all about, the go.

i'll let you in on a little secret. i know i've said this year is the year i see europe. well, the flip side of that also means this year i'm facing big fears - traveling to non-english speaking countries, solo. yeah, we're a bit freaked out by that. a bit. try, a lot. i would much rather do this with someone, like i have in the past...but if i wait for that to happen...it'll never happen.

so, here we are.

mom, calm down. everything's going to be fine.

i'm still freaking out though. and, i think i might be sick from all this ice cream.

one day.

always protects.

always trusts.

always hopes.

always perseveres.

white winter trees.

sometimes i forget i'm in england.

sometimes i forget what God's done. sometimes i can't believe what God's done. 

sometimes i get distracted.

sometimes i forget my spirit is eternal and then i'm reminded, this is momentary.

sometimes i can't see beyond my own hand.

sometimes i bawl when i read Truth.

i'm reading hosea. it's about God's love for israel. it's about the adulterous things we choose to do to separate ourselves from Him. God explains why He responds to israel's unfaithfullness in the way that He does.  He explains why. He explains how. He wants us to understand.  and, to make sure we really get it, He used hosea and his wife, gomer to show us. 

'she doesn't realise that it was I who gave her everything...but then i will win her back once again'. 

yesterday i was honest with God. i wrote it down to be sure i wouldn't forget. i wrote it down to make it more real. i want to trust God with this. i do...but in my limited, broken humanism i can't see how.   

sometimes i get distracted.

sometimes i can't see beyond my own hand. 

sometimes i bawl when i read Truth. 

fly your way down.

this is my third visit home since moving to england.

within days, i was able to put my finger on a feeling: it feels like i live two worlds: the canadian world and the english world.

i mentioned this to the american and she told me it's pretty amazing how the culture around us helps to shape us, whether good or bad, or just different.

my last trip home i was homesick, yet in the same breath, i was frustrated with home. i think it's interesting how during that last trip home i was secretly contemplating moving back to canada after new years. yeah, that won't be happening. now i can't imagine leaving england and if england were to order me out, it would feel like a death sentence, a punishment. dramatic, yet very true.

another friend mentioned how she didn't like how i kept referring to england as home. i think if i'm using home interchangeably, it means i now consider my english world, home.

frig, this is getting way too deep.

washed in the rain.

-excerpt from mike bickle's, the seven longings of the human heart


"most people live with a devastating sense of loneliness in this life. tragically, they live without sharing their joys and sorrows with anyone. we were created in such a way that loneliness severely breaks and bruises us. this is not God's plan for us. rather, God's people are meant to have intimacy and unity with each other...


...because of Jesus, we can have no fear of being left to experience the mysteries of the ups and down of life alone. this longing for companionship will be answered partially in this age and fully in the age to come. the Father is the one who first observed that loneliness is not good for the human spirit, remarking in Genesis 2:18 'it is not good that man should be alone'...


...the human heart craves intimacy; therefore, the enemy seeks to exploit this by bringing us down many avenues that offer a counterfeit intimacy which in turns bring shame. the irony is that when we accept what the enemy offers, we minimise our chances of experiencing real intimacy..."


it's a good book, with a good message and something to reflect on.

salt water, tasted it too long.

probably should just come out and say it.

i'm taking a break from blogging. 

life is busy. life is feeling really full these days.

not that life wasn't full before when i was blogging more so during the week. it was...

different.

just not feeling compelled to write as i was before.

i'm realising more and more that i live in england. i live here. i'm not just visiting. living somewhere for almost two years is not just visiting. it's such a strange thing to live your life in a country that's not your own.

i'm leaving for home soon to spend the holidays with family and friends and there's lots going on between now and then.

i'm not saying there might not be the odd update here and there...but most likely not.

i may completely contradict myself and crank out three entries next week.

ha.

so...

...peace out and play nice.

in a geometric pattern dress.

nana and i welcome you back to part two.

oh, it gets better.

while at market day, i stumbled upon a crafts' table and bought christmas bunting for my flat.

allow me to demonstrate in nana's living room.

later on that day, my uncle managed to accidently rip off one of the bows from my knee high socks. he was in such big trouble. i'll have you know, england has turned me into such a girl.

nana sewed them back on for me. what a woman.

and then she made me the infamous lamb dinner complete with homemade fresh mint sauce.

spoiled rotten i am.

she then beat my ass in scrabble. even with this high-scoring word and many others i concocted, she still won. quelle surprise.

and then i was off for a sunday afternoon stroll along the canal.

again, allow me to demonstrate.

aha.

there will come a time you'll see.

wow. i'm really not doing so well updating this thing.

i went to nana's for a long weekend and discovered gone are the days when i can steal the neighbour's wifi.

i didn't have the heart to tell nana the truth in fear she'd blab to said neighbours. ha. you don't know my nana. she innocently would let it slip. she thinks my laptop is just not working properly. it's better this way. trust me.

i'm a creature of habit when i stay at nana's. saturday mornings you can find us in leek for market day. there's something ridiculous, like thirteen charity shops within the small market square and we wander in and out until something catches either one of our eyes. it's usually me. i found an ornate brass antique mirror for three pounds. i've already decided it's going to be painted white and hang in my bedroom.

i giggled when i saw these. it reminds me of a butcher's shop in ludlow when my uncle, and his wife and my cousin and i went for the christmas medieval fayre at ludlow castle five years ago. covering the entire outside of the shop window were these hanging dead birds. i remember it being grotesquely beautiful.

here's nana in the market square.

in other news, i weighed myself using nana's scales. the grand total of weight lost is now, drum roll please...eighty pounds. i celebrated with fish & chips with nana and later on in the evening, dinner with homemade chocolate fudge cheesecake with my aunt and cousin.


oh yes please.


tomorrow i'll post the non-blackberry photos. i promise.