i can’t seem to half-ass anything these days. i’m all or nothing. i don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. i’m tired, but not discouraged. maybe i need to re-evaluate boundaries. maybe not. my manager validated my analysis the other day and told me, hayley, it’s not you. the system’s crap. you’re doing just fine. my manager has dreadlocks. she’s kinda awesome.
but, this is what i mean when i talk about how the structural barriers of our societies and governments can oppress. exclusion, a prevention of people from freely passing through systems, encountering road blocks. the beneficiaries? the privileged. a quality of life they seem to enjoy. we live in a world that values wealth, whiteness, education, patriarchy, youth, mobility, the english language and power. if we don’t fit, we join the marginalized categories that judge and degrade self-worth. capitalism vs. socialism. whatever you want to call it. i recognise my privileges. i don’t have answers, but i have observations. this is one of the reasons i believe such dichotomy can be experienced in people's lives. the other reason…sin. the Fall. an awareness that we are broken and He is not. goodness, this is intense. i don’t even want to start fleshing these ideas out. later. maybe. maybe not.
but, back to the job. these court reports. these custody/access issues are layered with ugly things. hurt, manipulation, control, drug addictions, physical and emotional abuse, unresolved mental health, jealousy, rumination, abused childhoods, broken promises, harassing/stalking behaviours, instability, restraining orders, chaos, transiency, cheating, disloyalty, selfishness, convictions.
ever since graduation, almost five years ago, my job has been crisis-centred. it’s enough to make a person jaded. i know. but, i also know i have God’s protection. He’s given me these experiences, this heart, this brain, this encouraging frame of mind, this ability to understand the issues and (hopefully, i pray) to speak truth and love to people. you can love a lot, day-to-day without disclosing your faith, i’m learning. it gets complicated when you work in a secular environment. but, it’s your words. your actions. your integrity. people watch. people pay attention.
but, back to the jaded-bit...(look up the word, tangent in the dictionary because i’m confident you might see my face)...i wish i had ten bucks every time i’ve asked, how does anyone find anyone in this world? and, if that’s you, and you’ve found someone special, i am genuinely happy for you. i am encouraged. it's hard when your job is surrounded by crap relationships. maybe it comes down to trust, commitment, loyalty, dying to yourself, as your partner dies to them self in an agreement to walk a lifelong trail of humbleness, forgiveness, humility, kindness and grace – and a willingness to admit your screw-ups while making a concentrated effort to walk out the true definition of love. i'm single. you committed-people...feel free to share.
but, there’s that word again, love. i often think that if two people are equally committed to each other, and equally give to each other, then you’re in a constant state of receiving, or blessing. what a beautiful thing. what a profound thing. am i onto any thing? anyone?
but, back to the job. aha. this is hilarious. maybe someone should work in social policy, and counsel on the side. geez, someone needs their masters first. hmmm.
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