i'm just a boat on the ocean, not just a ship lost at sea

that above title is a song lyric from matt good's, while we were hunting rabbits. the avalanche album reminds me of my second year of university and how i saw matt good live three times that year while he toured his album. when i first listened to the album in its entirety, i thought avalanche, 21st century living and while we were hunting rabbits were all the same song, just different movements. kind of like mozart or beethoven. it's my favourite song on the album, and it's one of my favourite albums too.

i've had a chance to recoup from my little trip to london last week and the meltdown that followed the next day. i often times don't realise how bad things really are until they catch up with me and force me to pay attention. maybe it's a defense mechanism, suppress, keep going, you're a strong person, you can handle this, it's not really that bad, what do you have to complain about, pick yourself up and get on with it. i don't like to admit defeat. i can be too prideful, and that folks, is not a good thing as far as God's concerned.

it's hard to always feel like you have to be this strong person. it's almost like you wonder how long you can keep this gig up and is it really worth it all. i'm talking about work, being a social worker. i feel like people (coworkers and clients) are constantly looking to me to make decisions, make assessments, help sort out their messes, give guidance and direction. and when i do open my mouth i feel like what i say is gold, something they've never heard before. i keep saying to myself, 'this isn't rocket-science people'...but maybe it is. i don't want to be resentful.

i need to learn to lean on others. i need to learn to let people in. i need to let others care for me and be okay with that. i need to remember that community is God's plan for His people, not isolation. this job isn't everything, being a social worker isn't everything. i will not fall apart when i leave this profession. i'm learning this little by little.

i'm just a boat on the ocean, not just a ship lost at sea.