set the pace and i will follow.

i know no one is going to fight my battles for me.

i heard myself say that to a co-worker the other week and it slapped me in the face as the words left my lips. this pretty much is a lie i believe and it speaks volumes.

ever since moving to the uk it's becoming more and more apparent.

i've got issues with trust.

i am stupidly independent and self-reliant. it almost tips the pride scale if i'm really honest with myself. i make things happen here. i have no idea what it means to share. to healthly share. to rely on people as normal people do. to be really honest with someone. i don't know what that will look like and it scares me.

trusting is hard. trusting god is easier. i know, that i know, that i know he will always have my best interests at heart. he will provide. he will protect. he will respect. he knows what to do with me. he will never turn me away. everything is safe with him. he wants to be with me and have me with him. he will never bring harm to me. i may bring harm to me by the choices i make, but not him. there's a difference. this i know.

eve was cursed with the desire to control after the fall. a woman's worst fear is abandonment and in her own strength she will do what she can to maintain. this i know.

as much as i don't want to admit i am fearful of abandonment (because to acknowledge this fear would jeopardise this so-called position of independence i've been able to entertain for so many years).

do you see the brokenness? deliver me lord. set me free.

i keep hearing what a godly man should be. i keep seeing examples of who godly, married men are. and my heart grieves because there is no godly man. my heart sinks. it aches. there is no man for me to submit to. to be led. to pursue me as intended. there is no man willing to be what a man is called to be. there is no man who will fight. will fight for me.

and so i wait. there's no other option. i can't settle. i won't compromise. but i will cry. i will grieve. i will have moments of utter hopelessness. sheer sadness. it doesn't seem fair. and don't tell me i'm weak or i'm succumbing to shallowness or the dependence of a man, because for all you married people out there, you know exactly what i'm talking about. and now you're married. there was a time in your life when you felt exactly what i feel.

is it so wrong to desire love as God intended?

am i the problem? where are the men? the men. where are the men paul talks about in 1 timothy 3, or 1 corinthians 13:4. proverbs. where are they?

i'm mourning for the man that isn't there.

i am warring between being too much, yet not enough.

and i know this season is a call. a beckoning. this is his intention. to woo me. win me. bring me to my knees. to a place that only he will fill.

set the pace and i will follow.