my heart stumbles on things i don't know.**

so i finished another book this morning on the train. i firmly believe that if someone had handed this and that to me a few years ago...even a year ago...recommending i read it, i would have laughed...in their face.

i'm being honest.

i think this says volumes about what this last year has done for me. i almost wrote, 'has done to me', but i'm acknowledging the difference.

please don't think for a second i have this all figured out because it's most certainly not.

i believe God allows these lessons, this hurt to teach us because it's called free will, something we're born into and i know i can make some pretty interesting choices in my own strength. i have.

these seasons, Lord...help us... move us along. evolve. who wants to remain stagnant? i don't. at least i don't think i do. aha. although when you're in the thick of it...its awful and it hurts. but, this is a journey and there comes a time when you have to leave all that is familiar and go on into the unknown with God. goodness...do i ever identify with that.

but back to this and that. its asked me to de-construct ideas of femininity and masculinity. its asked me to take a break from the post-modern theories of my undergrad and consider God's theories...sorry, truth. why are you so angry, i ask? i've discovered (and again, i'm being completely honest here) there's things i can no longer dismiss, skip over, argue against, or...deny.

i know too much to drop the ball now...He's brought me this far and already my joy is unspeakable.

something's happened. i feel like my heart has somehow managed to find my brain and they seem to be getting along these days. i pray this alignment will remain interconnected in love, truth and God's ways, no matter the pain.

clinging to obedience sometimes feels like the only thing you can focus on, the only thing that's real. tangible. will it get you through? it is enough and it was enough for me. knowing that despite the mess, obedience can serve one well as you journey with God in unpacking the rest.

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**this may not make any sense, but it does to me. i think.