you can't be on your game all the time.

i totally just got lost on the cuckoo trail. i'm not even kidding. it was getting dark and i started panicking. that's the first time i've felt that alone in a long time. i told you i'm fiercely independent. i wandered fields for 20 minutes and prayed for direction and then found a sign that saved me. some kid, and by kid i mean early twenties was also lost so we walked together and found our way back. my honest-to-goodness-first thought was he was gonna mug me...i think that speaks volumes. i'm so flippin' suspicious of men it's not even funny. halfway through i told him i bet he didn't think he'd not only get lost on the cuckoo trail, but also lost with a canadian. we laughed...well, i laughed. he was being polite i'm sure. it was an unreal moment. it blew my mind. i honestly thought i was going to be out all night long and i only had one bar left on my blackberry. stupid hayley. that was intense. stupid cuckoo trail. stupid hayley. God...thank you.


breathe....


now then, onto the real post, as much as the rest of this entry is going to cause me anxiety too. i'm a sucker for punishment tonight it seems. 


******* 

in an attempt to get over myself and accept what's looking back at me in the mirror...i post this.

i know.

i don't know who that person is either, but apparently...it's me.

look, i can't even make eye contact. i've already failed this exercise.

ugh...moving on.

i went into town earlier this week. i stopped at a charity shop because they had used christmas decorations. i bought some green and silver glass christmas balls for 10p and 5p. i bought christmas cards. i'm also going to need new jeans soon so i started looking around the shop. that's when i saw this pencil skirt. it's leather. it's from, next. it's lined. it's black. it's leather. oh. i said that already. it was ridiculously priced at seven pounds. i have no idea where i'll wear it. maybe at the office? maybe when i have to attend court? i wish i had somewhere to wear it. knowing me, i'll probably chicken out and it'll stay buried in my closet because i can't handle it and the attention it may or may not bring. thank goodness it was only seven pounds. but, it's a size i haven't worn since grade....grade....grade... can't remember what grade. it's been years. years people. i thought, lets give it a go. fitting room. mirror. reflection. shock. disbelief. and then...

ohmyfreakingoodness. 

you can't tell in the picture, well maybe you can....now, why did i just write that? but, i was totally bloated from the chicken drumsticks and the plateful of steamed green veggies with garlic butter i had for dinner, plus the homemade cranberry crisp for dessert. stilettos make you taller and the legs longer. hello, amazon here. but, the good news is that we're far enough away that you can't see the hair on my legs. perfect.

i can't end this post with that being the only picture. i could very well die of self-loathing. don't judge me. please. consider this the before and after...without the before photo. because we all know what i looked like before, right? imagine the above with an extra sixty pounds attached. that sounds loads better, right? right? somebody please say, right.

i need to stop this stream of consciousness, (uh oh, anxiety) and i need some comedic relief to stop the stress and this lovely display of verbal diarrhea from the posting of said picture. why do i care so much what people think? enough, i say! enough.

so, i leave you with this.

so much more familiar. not the pose, as i'm not particularly fond of yoga or the standing tree pose, or whatever it's called...but the girl. i know that girl. and, i can breathe again. literally...and figuratively. this is getting easier and thanks for putting up with me.